Remember in the dark, what He told you in the light

It was supposed to be so easy. This whole "me needing to get better" thing... I've even done it once before. Went off the medication that was making me sick, and promptly got better. Not this time. This time, I've been off it for several days, and I'm still struggling with the symptoms that I've been having all along.... and I wonder. What about this was supposed to be easy again?

In the past few days, I've found myself struggling, found myself doubting, found myself scared and feeling alone... worried that what could happen through all this could be more than what I bargained for. And that in itself, scares me. I've got amazing family and friends who build me up, and I still feel this way... scared and alone and wanting to, well, I'm not sure what I want to do. But do something other than what I'm currently doing. Feel another way than this....which is so isolating and just full of alone-ness. (not to mention that the pain and nausea is crippling, debilitating and at times, humiliating. Just for good measure.)

So this morning I start thinking about the weekend, and about the fact that tomorrow I'm going over to Alisha's to help her pack. How she'll undoubtedly lift my spirits in ways that she doesn't even know, and help to remind me that God is still God. As she told me once, when I was feeling really down, "Remember in the dark, what He told you in the light." God's still here and faithful, and totally in control. Even if there are times that I don't want to acknowledge that, or if I forget it (let's face it, my memory's not what it once was) or if I'm just being my sometimes-stubborn-borderline-obstinate self. Such a basic truth, that I so often need to be reminded of - especially during times like this. I really am trying. Really. But somehow, I just can't help but wonder how long this will last...

Until then, I'm off to job hunt some more and work on Nathan's socks. They're turning out well, but won't actually be closer to being finished unless I actually knit. On them - not something else. There too, I'm trying. And thankful that God really is in control. Even when I in my humanness neglect to look where I should. Sigh..