Eight

Dear David,

Today is the 8th anniversary of your death. It is a day that is difficult for me, for all of us, because you are no longer with us. We remember your smile, your laugh, the passion with which you lived life. There are still days when I can't quite believe that you are actually gone. Might sound crazy, but I think that when we lose the people that we loved the most, the people who influenced our life the biggest, the ones who loved the hardest, who stand up for what is right, who never are ashamed - I just don't think you ever really get over it. I know I haven't. I am thankful to have had you in my life, to have loved you and on this day, to fully feel the extent of our loss - you.

So much has changed, Dave. I'm married now. We're trying to start our family, and sometimes the infertility issues overwhelm me to the point that I wish I could just call you and talk it out. I know you wouldn't have judged, just listened - and I feel like I need more of the listening in my life, more support, and I wish you were here for that. You told me once to never be afraid - to stand strong in our Lord and never doubt his goodness, his grace. Those words have been encouragement to me during some of the most difficult days of the past months - days that I've been stuck at home housebound and unable to drive. Days when I miss you and the family back home enough to bring me to tears. Days when the threat of early-onset menopause looms so big before us that we feel our dreams will never come true. And I remember you quoting C.S. Lewis to me - "It is not that we doubt God's goodness, and that he has the best in mind for us - we are simply wondering how painful the best will be." The words that you gave me while you were here have encouraged me in your absence. Thank you for knowing what to say. For saying the right things, for pointing me towards Christ.

I don't know what is ahead for Nathan and I. God is doing some amazing things, even though our circumstances are far from our idea of ideal. I don't know where we'll end up, or how the Lord will use us. What I do know is that we are ready to be used. In a lot of ways, I am afraid of what the future holds - nervous for what is in store. But more than that, I am excited. Excited and already in love with the plan that He has, the plan that Nathan and I are committed to spending our lives following. The potential is staggering, but as you said once - God gave me big paws for a reason.

Thanks for being my brother. Not that you had a lot of choice in the matter - we don't exactly get to pick our family. But for being the type of brother that you were. Most girls haven't been as blessed as I have been to have known a brother like you, and I am so thankful for the way that you touched my life. You wouldn't have had to. But you chose to anyway. Thanks.

Till very soon,
Your sister
Beth